It’s been 40 days since Ricardo has passed. This week, two people asked me how I was doing and my answer was always the same: I am in peace. Ricardo did a great job!
We are fine and doing well, thank you. Ian misses his daddy and this feeling will be accompanying him probably his whole life. We talk about it on a daily basis and Ian is always surprising me with his comments and attitudes. This morning, I went to his bedroom and found out that he had slept with Ricardo’s ashes on his bed!
During the week, Ian had a hard time falling asleep for two or three nights in a row. Nothing was working and he was using ‘I want Daddy. Now’ followed by a deep cry to get what he really wanted: my attention. I realized it on the third evening and told him that, explaining that I couldn’t bring daddy back, as he knows. He understood it so well that he stopped saying ‘I want Daddy. Now’. Amazing.
And as I told Ricardo’s parents, it makes me happy knowing that he is learning how to deal with something so natural in our lives in such a special way. If I could choose I wouldn’t choose this situation but I don’t have any control over it and I am happy that we had time to prepare ourselves and get the best out of it, if you know what I mean. He gets sad as I get sad, but he is not suffering – there is a huge difference in there!
Two nights ago, for the first time, Ricardo visited me on my dreams and the only thing I remember is that he told me he was doing just fine. It was such a peaceful message, on top of all the peacefulness I am already feeling. Ricardo really did a great spiritual job before going. He was ready.
Of course I keep thinking about all we had gone through. We did everything he asked us to. He had all the comfort we could give him and he didn’t feel pain. Two years ago, I was afraid he was pushing us away from him – a completely different story this time, when he was pulling us closer to him and embracing us into his life and death. He let me love him and take care of him – he accepted it and enjoyed it, probably as much as I enjoyed doing it for him, if I am using the right word.
This was probably one of the biggest thing I did in my life and it was a privilege to do it for such an important person. It was not a happy moment, but it was beautiful. As my mom said, ‘it was well conducted’ – I believe Ricardo was the one orchestrating the whole process in a magical way.
Last weekend, we gave Ricardo’s iPhone to his buddy JM. He needed a phone and we had one here. So we gave him with all the pics and movies inside – a memento for a good friend. Ian was uncertain about it but I mentioned that JM was also grieving and he understood that. It made me very happy to be able to do that.
We are going through another emotional moment. The Nissan Pathfinder that Ricardo bought seven years ago is about to find another home. Ian is touched and wanted to keep the truck and sell the car! I am touched. It is an old car and served us well, but we were just spending money with it as we don’t drive it anymore.
Slowly, I am organizing our life to keep what is really important and sell or give away what is not. No rush. I am giving myself all the time in the world to find the energy to do so and as I find it, a peaceful feeling keeps inundating me…